The ACC Kickoff officially concluded Monday with the coaches giving press conferences and interviews to the media (the players had the first day), but earlier today the ACC Media announced its pre-season All-ACC team, putting the metaphoric nail in the weekend event.
So now that all of that is over and done with, I finally feel comfortable spilling the beans on exactly what happened this weekend and Monday. It's not a state secret, but telling you could make me subject to the punishment of the evil ruler Xenu or worse yet cause the ghost of Ron Cherry to haunt me later in life. So I am risking something here people. I began having suspicions about what was going on at the annual event when I first saw Logan Thomas' interview with Jack Tyler from the photo booth about ice cream:
For one, Logan readily admits to eating ice cream, which is not something a quarterback would do...it's something a fatty, fatty, fat-fat TIGHT END would do, immediately ruining the surprise that the Hokies plan to move him back to the position this fall (before then moving him to offensive guard) and bring in former quarterback Marcus Vick to man the position and live-tweet his experience from the field. Also, something is wrong with Jack Tyler in this one as well. You see, he's holding up a sign that says Heisman, which he knows good and well that he cannot win. You see in football, there are offensive players and defensive players, and defensive players aren't allowed to win the Heisman so sayeth the ruler of Bethos. But this weird moment was just the tip of the iceberg...so I dug further and...
Okay, well I guess it's time to tell you...you see, there was a lot of weird stuff that went on this weekend at the ACC Kickoff, some of which we already reported on, such as Frank Beamer's photo booth saga or that of other ACC coaches and players trying to haunt our dreams...but that doesn't even touch the surface of what really went on. You see, as ACC Commissioner John Swofford announced his plans for the future of the conference Sunday, he left out the most important part of the plan. He then revealed that secret part of his plan to all in attendance, but swore them to secrecy in a #goacc solidarity pact that CANNOT BE BROKEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE (well, unless you're Maryland...or you know...you just want to for some reason. Then it's totally cool. But seriously, IT CANNOT BE BROKEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE!). But one of my #sources (or #scources as I believe Chris Broussard spells it) leaked this information to me: a secret so wild that you'll be begging for your Sean Glennon/Bryan Stinespring vanilla offenses and Big East membership back quicker than David Wilson can do eight standing backflips.
The secret will fund the conference's future operations, help the conference get a new TV deal, pay off any official to incentivize making poor calls so that others don't become suspicious and even pay off the loftiest Miami recruit/player's prostitute-ridden yacht party debt. That secret? Super acid. That's right. You see, with all the universities that have strong research and medical programs in the ACC, Swofford has been for years trying to develop a secret weapon that will ensure the conference's future. Why do you think Swofford and co. blackballed WVU? It wasn't because they couldn't help the conference in football. It was because with their shoddy academics, they couldn't dream of producing the requisite amount of super acid that membership to the conference requires. And if you think that the conference's galavanting around New York had anything to do with the conference's footprint, or playing the ACC Tournament at Madison Square Garden or in Brooklyn, you're dead wrong! No, what it was really about was acquiring backers to help fund the further research and production of this super acid. Why else would conference officials be mingling on the floors of the New York Stock Exchange if not to gain support for their product among influential firms, stock brokers and traders?
So now you may be asking, what does this super acid do? Well, according to #sources, Swofford not only informed those in attendance about it, but he also provided a small dose of the drug to each person and pressured them into trying it. Let me just say, the results weren't pretty. The photo booth stuff happened, Mike London went off on a cop rant and talked about long-term job security at UVA and the ACC Media forgot that Jeremiah Attaochu was a linebacker, snubbing James Gayle in the process (how else could that be explained?). Luckily, I've obtained the UNEDITED version of Frank Beamer's press conference which I have embedded piece by piece below. WARNING: IF YOU ARE PRONE TO NAUSEA, SEIZURES, INTENSE NIGHTMARES, ARE PREGNANT OR HAVE NOT YET BEEN INFECTED BY THE RING VIDEO, DO NOT WATCH THESE VIDEOS!!!
The first begins at the start of Beamer's press conference, when it appears that Jeff Fischel is having flatulence issues (please remember that playing the audio helps. If you can't hear it, click on the GIF and there should be a play button that shows up in the new tab):
To ease the tension, Frank began showing off his dance moves, something that he's already admitted he does not enjoy doing:
What followed was Beamer apparently mistaking what was actually nothing in front of him for a person and attempting to introduce himself. He began with stating he coaches a team that is a good football team and DOES NOT have red zone issues.
Then of course the one guy there who refused to take Swofford's super crack (or did I say it was acid?) asked Frank a question that made him hotter than that time that fan said/did something after the Nebraska game which prompted Frank to shout "NO! NO! NO! NO!" Beamer then had the man escorted from the building (hint: this man may or may not be my #source).
As the remainder of the media corps were now incapacitated and unable to ask intelligible questions, Beamer and Fischel began to play an elaborate game of no holds barred I Spy. Both men found the first item (despite the fact that this is not how I Spy works), so each received a point (clue: this is also how the Hokies received their single vote to be the ACC Champion).
Feeling it necessary to improve the Hokies' ranking, Beamer took it upon himself to impress the coked up (or was it heroin?) media members by demonstrating how well he could juggle:
This however did not work, and Beamer began to try a more unorthodox but attention-getting measure to try to win over the media members in attendance:
But tripping balls on the meth (or was it just a bunch of 5 hour energies?) himself, began to believe that he was in fact back in the 1940's and was in fact meeting with the now deceased German dictator. He made it a point to tell him that his team played hard and that he had a good football team:
Coming back down to at least a little bit of a coherent state, Fischel took the lead in the I Spy game, which Beamer was rather unhappy about:
But there was only to be further humiliation for the Beamz as Fischel took a commanding 3-1 lead in the game, which if you're not familiar with I Spy rules, is blowout rule, also known as the point where no one in the car cares what you see anymore and falls asleep.
Undaunted, Beamer changed the game again, this time relying on his musical talents to win him the adornment of the present media members:
Some would even say he finished strong, as he showed his versatility as a composer and a director with this little ditty:
Ultimately Beamer's efforts were all for naught, as exactly 3 hours and 45 minutes later the entire room came down (except for Al Golden, who continued to sweat profusely for no apparent reason) and made their conference picks. Since none of them were able to think about football, still inhibited from their candy-corn (or was it Pepsi?) riddled hangover, they all chose the two teams by the places where they were most likely to find their next fix. Those places were Clemson, South Carolina, at face value a strange choice, but when digging deeper, they remembered that there was a huge rock there and that it was easy to steal, and Miami, Florida...because...yeah. Because.
So that is the REAL story of what transpired during the ACC Media Days this past weekend. I know that I am putting my career on the line by telling you this, and that I may very well be on the next plane to Antarctica for my own safety. But I could not just stand idly by and allow our conference's commissioner to peddle illegal drugs to unsuspecting ACC fans to fund the conference's future. I hope you'll stand beside me and hold the responsible parties accountable so that we can all accomplish our common goal of prohibiting Tyler Perry and Adam Sandler from making any more movies. Thank you and good luck.
*And if by the slightest chance you thought any of this was serious, you don't understand #goacc and you're going to seriously need to develop your life skills before you leave the great state of West Virginia.