Editor's Note: In honor of the Hokie womens basketball team's continued struggle to improve, having now lost six their first six ACC games on the season, I dug into the archives for something i had written at the outset of the whole situation.
It's more a criticism of former AD James Weaver's spendthrift (some might say lazy) hiring practices than of Coach Wolff, who by all accounts is a wonderful man who had a nice run as Men's coach at Boston University. I've never been completely convinced that this was part of Wolff's grand plan in coming to Blacksburg. Yet here we are, and things haven't gone particularly well with that basketball hiring either. Both the teams are a combined 1-12 in ACC play and haven't registered a win since early December.
Along with the announcement of new Athletic Director, Whit Babcock, this new appointment brings with it a couple of questions about the direction of the men's and women's basketball programs. Hopefully he doesn't adhere to the practices exhibited in the satire below.
Title: Hired Over A Hot Pocket
Scene: Just before quitting time one afternoon, former VT athletic director Jim Weaver is feeling low on blood sugar as wanders down the hall in Jamerson to the employee lounge…it is there that he runs into former men's baskeball Director of Operations Dennis Wolff pouring a cup of coffee….
(Weaver nods at him, and begins rooting around in freezer)
Weaver: (To himself) Aha, there you are (pulls out a box of Hot Pockets entombed in ice)
Weaver to Wolff: How goes it Dennis?
Dennis (stirring coffee, shakes his head ruefully): Seth threw a sneaker at me today…
Weaver: What was it this time?
Wolff (head hanging, Charlie Brown piano music plays): I bought the cheap stickum for all the recruiting letters and they got returned to sender, because none of the labels stuck….now i gotta reopen all the letters, because i don’t know who each letter is addressed to…it's gonna cost us a week on correspondence.
Weaver: Threw a sneaker? That’s tame for Seth….listen i’ve been meaning to talk to you….you know how we haven’t found a new Women’s coach yet, right? I was thinking maybe you might like to do that job now instead, get out from under that (expletive deleted)…..
Wolff: But i’ve never coached gals before.
Weaver: That’s OK….you’d be a fresh voice and all, it's still basketball….how’s $80K sound?
Wolff: But i make $(More than 80) now….and the average salary at a D1 women’s program has to be 2-3 times what you offered.
(Weaver removes hot pocket from the microwave, sets it down)
Weaver: BS salary matrices don't reflect awww….(muttering to self: in my day a man took what was offered or he hit the bricks)…..ok let’s see what we can work out….(takes a bite of a hot pocket, immediately scalds tongue before you hear the crunch of his teeth hitting the ice)….
Wolff: (Repeating himself) You know i never coached gals right….i coached the Mens team at Boston for 15 years….(practically channeling Gundy’s I’m 40, I’m a Man speech and getting just a little annoyed)…..i mean i wouldn’t know the first thing about handling a group of girls, i have no recruiting base, i don’t know the high school coaches! Or the AAU circuit!
Weaver: (talking to self and examining his "meal"…. how can eat such trash? eyes half eaten hot pocket and throws it down on the plate)….(he tries a soothing tone) Listen, Denneeeee, you’d be doin us a solid here, we don’t really have the time or energy for a protracted search….i’m offering you a chance out from under Seth, and a substantial raise…what’d we agree on? 95k?
Wolff: Wait, we never….
Weaver: No matter, your lawyer and ours will come to an agreement….but we need you to take this book of Super8 vouchers and this gas card and hit the recruiting trail and bring us back some fillies to outfit this unit….after all we tip off in seven months….and we were unbearable last year…..trust me it’s a fine opportunity and one you won’t regret….now where the hell is my assistant, i gotta send her out to get me some ice pops, i burnt the ever loving shit out of my tongue….(exits)
Wolff thinks about calling his wife, but he knows he’s gonna get killed for accepting (or not saying no), but he puts his cell away and thinks better of it….then he sees the mostly intact hot pocket on top of the counter, shrugs his head and takes a bite….thinking to himself that this completely subpar snack is an improvement on the day so far...and praying it won't be the highlight of his days to come.