Tag: calm down it's satire

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"I'm Coming Home" - Dr. J to play D for Isles

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[humor] Julius "Dr. J" Erving is coming back to Nassau Coliseum to play for the arena's final pro sports tenant, the New York Islanders. At 6-foot-6, Erving, 64, can give the Islanders the veteran...

NHL threatens lockout to curb Isles spending spree

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[humor] The NHL made what could be its first move towards a fourth lockout, demanding an end to the recent out-of-control spending by the previously frugal New York Islanders. The NHL is willing to...

An exclusive look at standard NHL No-Move form

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[humor] Lighthouse Hockey has obtained a copy of a standard NHL Player Movement Restriction form, used by players and agents to keep away from undesirable destinations. If you want to stay out of...

Penguins name dept. store mannequin head coach

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[Humor] The Pittsburgh Penguins have ended their unusual coaching search and tasked a department store mannequin with bringing the franchise back to the Stanley Cup final. The mannequin's last job...

Trade Targets: an aluminum boat & mortadella

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[humor] Signs point to defenseman Matt Donovan and forward Josh Bailey as the most likely candidates for the Islanders to trade. What can they get for them? How about a fishing boat, 300 lbs of...

Rangers prep for 2044 Cup run by cloning Lundqvist

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[humor] The New York Rangers are already hard at work on a plan to secure their next championship by cloning their best player, goaltender Henrik Lundqvist, using experimental DNA extraction and a...

Pierre McGuire's Application for Penguins GM Job

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[humor] NBC NHL analyst Pierre McGuire was very much in the running for the open Pittsburgh Penguins GM position and Lighthouse Hockey informants have provided us with the employment application he...

Dolan planning concept album based on Rangers

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Rangers CEO and touring musician James Dolan is planning a concept album based on his hockey team's playoff run, according to an upcoming interview in Rolling Stone. Or this could be a total goof.

Rowdy Bruins & Habs Face Detention, Expulsion

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(humor) The Boston Bruins and Montreal Canadiens could face disciplinary actions such as weeks of detention, demerits or expulsion from class if they don't watch their behavior according to an NHL...

TMZ: Sterling doesn't know Kings play at Staples

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[humor] Gossip site TMZ has released a second tape that reveals that racist Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling does not know that his team shares an arena with L.A.'s NHL team, the Los...

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