Tag: calm down it's satire

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NHL Big Brothers help guide wayward franchises

(humor) Brendan Shanahan and Trevor Linden share heartwarming stories about the NHL's mentoring initiative, which matches teams in need of guidance with former players willing to spend some spare time with them.

Garbage fire, tire fire or dumpster fire?

Some NHL teams have a lot of questions to answer before next season. But before you label your team or another a "dumpster fire" or a "tire fire," please know the differences between the distinctions. (humor)

Isles sale drags on for another excruciating hour

The New York Islanders are for sale and it's taking forever to make a deal. A source tells Lighthouse Hockey, "It's gone on way too long. A guy with a lot of dough needs to step up and just buy the damn team." (humor)

Deal for you: A List of Prospective Isles Owners

Islanders owner Charles Wang might sell his majority stake in the club, per a report from TSN insider Bob McKenzie. So who could buy them and how will they eventually disappoint Islanders fans? Here's a quick list. (humor)

SI Announces Fan Misery Swimsuit Issue

Sports Illustrated will publish a special Collector's Edition Swimsuit Issue of its NHL Fan Misery Rankings. Twenty-five of the world's most beautiful models, barely clothed, will grace some breezy articles about bad hockey teams. (humor)

Report: Isles to pay players in Bitcoins in '14-15

(humor) The New York Islanders are planning to pay their players in intangible Bitcoins beginning next season. Once again, the unorthodox hockey club finds a new way to not spend real money on its roster.

Gov. Cuomo declares a state of emergency for Isles

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency for the New York Islanders amid the prolonged futility that has pounded fans for almost two decades. Long Island residents are urged to stay inside and avoid exposure to the team. (humor)

After 30-Day free trial, LaFontaine leaves Netflix

(humor) Pat LaFontaine, who has a history of quickly leaving NHL front office jobs, is done with Netflix just 30 days after joining the streaming video service.

OCP to rebuild Isles Tavares as cyborg 'RoboJohn'

With their star sidelined for the remainder of the NHL season with a knee injury, the New York Islanders and megacorporation OCP say they plan to rebuild John Tavares as a half-human half-robot cyborg hybrid known as "RoboJohn." (humor)

Pierre McGuire detained by Sochi police

(humor) NBC hockey analyst Pierre McGuire was detained in the Winter Olympics host city of Sochi on charges of spying. He was held overnight in a police station and intimidated by the officers "big body presence and active night sticks."

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