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A Message For All Soon-to-Be Virginia Tech Graduates

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The Twitter is abuzz as Virginia Tech students take their last finals and prepare for commencement ceremonies this weekend. For those of you excited about leaving school and heading off into the real world, I have my own commencement address for you...

What the fuck are you doing?! Go back. Go back while you still can. Go back while you're still young. Go to grad school, go to law school go to anything that ends with the word "school" and delays the inevitable for another two to three years.

The real world really sucks right now. Why on earth would you want to leave college and enter the work force right now, you fucking moron? Get your ass back to school and thank me later when you aren't disgruntled and disaffected like I am.

Yes, studying, ass hole professors and 12-page research papers really suck. I get that. But believe me, student loan payments, car payments and mortgage payments suck a whole helluva lot more.

There's no beer, no summer break and no uninhibited members of the opposite sex (Or same sex, who gives a shit? Whatever makes you happy.) in the real world. It's a cold, dark, lonely place where you'll have no money and no happiness.

Don't think I don't see you rolling your eyes at me right now. I did the same thing when my dad and every other adult I knew tried to give me this exact same advice. I scoffed and entered the real world thinking everything would be awesome. It wasn't. It sucked an enormous dick.

Don't make the same mistake I did. But if must leave school behind and trudge off into the abyss, I do have some advice for you dumb asses as well:

1. You're only as old as you fuck.
2. Hobbies are cheaper than therapy.
3. Don't get married until you find the job and/or city you really want.
4. That stripper is not "digging" you.
5. No, she's not.
6. No matter how bad you think you have it, there's someone out there who has it worse than you. Become friends with that person so they can make you feel better about your life on a daily basis.
7. Very, very few things are worth spending the extra money to get the better version. Two of them are mattresses and peanut butter.

Good luck, fuckers.