[Ed. Note: Since we lost, OBNUG gets to write a front-page post. This is that post.]
Location: OBNUG headquarters, Dairy Queen.
Scene: Kellen Moore, Austin Pettis, and the OBNUG bloggers are playing truth and dare while eating Blizzards, as they do every Thursday afternoon.
Pettis: OK, Kellsy, truth or dare.
Moore: Dare!
Pettis: Prank call Bill Hancock, using Frodo's voice from Lord of the Rings.
Moore: (picks up telephone, dials) Hello, Mr. Hancock? Is your refrigerator running? Then you better let him out!
Laughter.
OBNUG: Ooh, my turn. Austin, truth or dare?
Pettis: Truth.
OBNUG: Will you go see Eat Pray Love with me at the theaters this weekend?
Just then, a man bursts through the door and runs over to the group. He is confused and disheveled and sweaty. Kellen Moore recognizes him immediately as Virginia Tech defensive coordinator Bud Foster.
Foster: Thank goodness I've found you. I need your help. Frank Beamer and Tyrod Taylor have strapped themselves to the top of the Washington Monument and refuse to come down. They are just sick over the outcome of Monday's game. They are threatening to stay up there forever, or at least until after this week's James Madison game is over because - woof - that one's a dog. You were the first people I thought of for help.
OBNUG: Well, we're honored.
Foster: Oh, not you. I don't know who you are.
Moore: We'll do it. Frank Beamer was kind enough to give us some breaks Monday night, and Tyrod Taylor and I are new texting buddies. Case Keenum is sooo 2009.
OBNUG: Speaking of which, I don't know if I ever got your phone -
Foster: There's no time to waste. We have to get to Washington, D.C. Stat!
Pettis: If only teleportation technology had been invented by now!
Moore invents teleportation technology.
Pettis: Cool.
The four men hop onto Kellen Moore's teleportation device and are whisked away to Washington D.C., but not before Moore stops at the NFL Kickoff party in New Orleans to play bass guitar with Dave Matthews and get to first base with Taylor Swift. But after that, straight to Washington D.C.
OBNUG (wearing Taylor Swift concert T-shirt): Look! There they are!
Frank Beamer and Tyrod Taylor are spotted chained to the top of the Washington Monument, like Cal grads to an endangered tree. A crowd of 86,000 people forms at the base of the monument to watch the proceedings.
Moore: Who are all these people?
Foster: Oh, this is just a neutral collection of onlookers with no real invested interests on the outcome of this situation.
"Enter Sandman" begins playing.
Pettis: What was that?
Foster: Nothing.
President Obama appears.
Obama: Kellen Moore, Austin Pettis, and Taylor Swift fan, I am so glad you are here. This crisis is of national importance. America's future hangs in the balance. I would help out but I'm really busy with getting you that college football playoff that I promised.
Laughter from all.
Obama: Yeah, just kidding. Put on a good show, guys. I'm playing pick up with Charles Barklely in five. Let's bounce, Secret Service.
Pettis: We need a way to get up to Beamer and Tyrod so that we can talk them down. Any ideas?
Moore: Well, I just built this 30-story crane out of Duplo blocks and clouds. Will that work?
Moore, Pettis, and OBNUG ride the crane up to see Beamer and Taylor.
Beamer: Oh, thank goodness you are here. Tyrod and I just can't live with ourselves after losing that game to you guys on Monday night. We are at our wit's end, and chaining ourselves to the top of the Washington Monument seemed like the only logical solution.
Taylor: That, and Shea McClellin can't get me up here.
Moore: You guys have to come down from here. It was a superb game from both teams. There were no losers on Monday night. Only winners. Well, there was Mark Schlereth, but you know what I mean.
Beamer: When you put it that way ...
Suddenly, Beamer and Taylor loose themselves from their chains and wrap them around Moore, Pettis, and OBNUG before the trio even knows what hit them.
Beamer: Aha! You have fallen into our trap! We weren't feeling down about the loss at all. Are you kidding me? We could lose four more game and still make a BCS bowl! I had Bud Foster lure you here just like I lured you into blocking our punt and going up 17-0 on ourselves. Now it is my turn to take control. Tyrod, run circles around them!
Taylor begins sprinting in tight, concentric circles around the shackled threesome.
Beamer: Dizzy much? You have only begun to taste our sweet revenge.
Taylor: Yeah, and while I was running circles around you, I ate the rest of that girl's Blizzard.
OBNUG: Turds!
Beamer: Strapped to the bottom of the Washington Monument are NASA rockets that will shoot you into space - never to be heard from again! Good luck getting out of that mess. We will stay right here to make sure you see your end, Kellen Moore and Austin Pettis. Actually, check that. I've got somewhere to be, so Tyrod and I are going to leave you guys here with two minutes left on the countdown. But in two minutes - oh man - you guys are so going to be in outer space.
Beamer and Taylor leave.
Kellen: Don't worry, guys. I got this.
Moore pulls out a Harry Potter wand and turns the chains into giant mattresses with parachutes.
Moore: Here, take these to safety.
Pettis: Kellen, look out behind you!
A 10-story-tall, sentient BCS computer comes out of nowhere with Bill Hancock riding it on a saddle made of 50 dollar bills.
Hancock: I checked my refrigerator, Kellen Moore. And you were right. It was totally running. I hate it when you're right!
Moore and Bill Hancock's BCS computer trade epic blows back and forth, slamming one another into the streets of D.C. The BCS computer pins Moore against the Lincoln Memorial but Moore's quick-thinking and years of film study of Power Rangers win out as he flips the computer over and tosses it into the Potomac River. The entire river turns to peanut brittle and all the orphans of Washington D.C. never go hungry again.
Frank Beamer and Tyrod Taylor return.
Beamer: Noooo! You won't get away that easily, Kellen Moore. Try getting past these two weapons. Get him, Ryan Williams and Darren Evans.
Taylor: Oh, they didn't bother showing up.
Beamer: Oh. Okay. Well then how about this!
Beamer opens his coin purse and Lou Holtz and Mark May jump out. They immediately begin harassing Kellen Moore - Holtz spitting while he talks and May crushing Moore with condescension. Moore is almost a goner, until ...
Moore: Hey, how ‘bout that Notre Dame - Michigan game this weekend? Am I right?
Holtz and May pause for a second, look at each other, and then tumble into a heated discussion about that game, forgetting about Moore. As they speak, Moore takes Holtz's spittle, purifies it, and bottles it up to ship to Africa. Moore harnesses the hot air emanating from Mark May to heat the entire East Coast, thereby fixing America's energy problems for the next decade.
OBNUG: Kellen, the Washington Monument is about to be shot into space. We must save it! It is our nation's fifth-greatest landmark, right behind Chris Fowler's forehead.
Moore: How much time is left?
OBNUG: 56 seconds!
Moore jumps into action, whittling an elm tree into a thumb drive in the shape of the Chinese characters for Trust and Beauty. He codes it by hand with a kill code for the launch computer.
Moore: Austin, get open!
Pettis shakes free of a Beamer henchman with a head fake, shattering both of the henchman's ankles and giving him vertigo. Moore lofts the thumb drive to Pettis who hauls it in and touchdown spikes it into the space rocket's mainframe.
OBNUG: The Washington Monument is saved! We did it!
Bob Molinaro enters.
Molinaro: Lame.
Bob Molinaro leaves.
Pettis: Wait a second. Something doesn't feel right. Where did Tyrod Taylor get off to?
Moore: Oh no. It's 3rd down and we're out of timeouts. He's going to pass!
The group turns to the White House steps where Taylor holds a ball of fatal anti-matter. Taylor lofts it deep in the direction of Moore, Pettis, and OBNUG.
The throw falls harmlessly to the ground beside them.
OBNUG: Why didn't he just run that over to us?
Beamer: You foiled us this time, Kellen Moore. But we'll be back. Oh we will be back.
Taylor: We beat ourselves tonight. You guys didn't beat us, we beat us. Just wanted to make that clear.
Beamer and Taylor hop in a taxi back to Blacksburg. Kellen Moore, Austin Pettis, and OBNUG head to the D.C. Dairy Queen for celebratory Peanut Buster Parfaits and for OBNUG to finally get an answer on that East Pray Love question.
End scene.