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Another Message For All Soon-to-Be Virginia Tech Graduates

Last year, as a graduation approached at Virginia Tech I offered some words of advice for those preparing to leave Blacksburg and head off into the real world. Go here if you'd like to read it in all of its profane glory.

So here we are, a year later and despite my best efforts a bunch of you are still preparing to leave college and move on to the real world. Even people I once considered to be reasonably intelligent have decided to ruin their lives by graduating. It's sad, really.

Therefore, I feel compelled to again address Virginia Tech's graduating class and give you a few more pearls of wisdom, whether you want them or not. And just like last year, if you're easily offended or otherwise can't take a joke, don't bother reading. The rest of you can follow me after the jump.

Last year I got mad, yelled and swore to try and convince you all not to graduate college. This time I'll try a different approach. After all, the world's a lot different than it was 12 months ago. More job have been created, the economy's a little better and we've killed Osama bin Laden. The real world's a better place right? Right?

Wrong. Graduating from college right now is still the absolute dumbest thing you could possibly do.

Eventually, the party is going to be over and you're going to have to take a soul-sucking, energy zapping job that makes you pray of death's sweet release. So why not delay the inevitable as long as humanly possible?

Besides, most jobs worth having are occupied by people who arrived at them via the Peter Principle and are there waiting to make the lives of people like you a living hell. And they're not giving them up any time soon. 

Want to avoid that fate? You've got two choices. You can either start your own business, in which case the odds of you getting a loan to actually start your own business or only slightly better than your business succeeding. Or you can go back to school and keep collecting degrees until you've acquired more debt than the GNP of several small nations.

And that's the best we can ask for. Because unless you can afford college tuition, you're probably going to be paying for your education until you're 45. And if you CAN afford college, you don't need to go to college.

That's it. Go back to class. Let your theoretical kids pay for your education. Believe me, I'm actually a thousand times happier than I was at this time last year and I still say you're all really, really stupid for deciding to leave college.

Want more advice if you do decide to graduate? Too bad, I'm going to give it to you anyway:

1. Don't get married and don't have kids. What's that? You're getting married? Congratulations, you've decreased your chance of dying alone by 50 percent. Just hope you die before your spouse does.
2. OK, fine. If you somehow manage to find someone better looking than you and richer than you who's willing to touch your penis, then sure, go ahead and get married.
3. Never settle for anything less than what makes you happy. That goes for job, relationship or where you're deciding to eat tonight.
4. Don't stay together for the kids. Life is already complicated enough without worrying about petty crap like whether or not your kids will hate you when they're grown.
5. Only wear socks if it's required of you. Socks are your oppressors.
6. It's not worth losing a friend over political beliefs, a member of the opposite sex or an amount of money that would qualify for small claims court. 
7. Unless they're a God-less Wahoo. In which case, why are you friends with them anyway?