IT'S HATE WEEK!!!!!!!
Yep - it's that time of year again. The week of the annual Virginia Tech/UVA football game, also known as the fight for the Commonwealth Cup. Behold - the most comprehensive, complete and badass hate week post in the history of Gobbler Country.
COMMONWEALTH CUP COUNTER
Isn't that shit glorious?! 3200-plus days that the University of Virginia hasn't beaten Virginia Tech in football. You better believe your orange-and-maroon tinted asses that this group of players doesn't want to be the group of players to end this beautiful timer.
Frank Beamer hoists that beautiful Commonwealth Cup after another drudging of the Hoos. It's become an all too familiar site for the state of Virginia. In fact, we've seen it for the past NINE YEARS!
WHO WANTS TO HEAR A JOKE?
A man dressed in Chicago maroon and burnt orange walks into a Charlottesville sports bar with a small dog under his arm. He says to the bartender: "Hey, can I leave my dog here while I go the VT/UVA football game?"
"A dog in my bar? No, absolutely not."
"But he's a special dog," the VT fan says.
"In what way?"
"Well, he'll watch the game on TV with you. When Virginia Tech scores he'll walk up and down the bar on his hind legs. When Virginia scores he'll walk up and down the bar on his front legs.
When Virginia Tech wins, he'll do back flips all the way down the bar and back.
"Wow!" the bartender exclaims. "That's amazing! What does he do when Virginia wins?"
"I don't know," says the Hokie. "He's only nine years old."
WHY ALL THE HATE, THOUGH?
Because the University of Virginia is ANNOYING!
The world agrees, too.
GQ recently ranked Virginia as the 25th Douchiest College in America.
You don't say?
My God, that IS intimidating...not.
You can keep your Jeffersonian douchenozzles. We'll keep our Hokie Leonidas.
Want more proof? There's a blog dedicated to America's douchiest colleges. Here's UVA's entry:
You know what's super awesome? UVA. And dressing up for a football game. And orange, flat-front khakis. And Polo hats, worn backwards. And sorority girls, who love it when you put your arm around them, casual-like, and be all, yeah, what's up bro, I'm just hanging out, drinkin' some juleps at The University? And pooka-shell necklaces you get when you're totally fucked up on mint juleps down at Myrtle Beach on spring break. And pretending to be, like, deep Southern, with the bushy-bowly haircut and the plaid tie. Even though your dad's a lobbyist from New Jersey who lives in Alexandria.
Seriously, who the FUCK wants to dress up for a football game? Are you assholes dressed for a football game or Saturday brunch? Probably the latter. At least that would explain where all the "fans" are when the game starts.
This is seriously the crowd at a UVA game about five minutes before kickoff. This shit is embarrassing. I almost feel bad - almost.
You want to know a pretty damning statistic? Virginia Tech had a crowd of 61,355 against Western Carolina, a bad FCS opponent. That game marked Virginia Tech's 93-game sellout streak. You want to know how many people attended Virginia's game against the no. 2 ranked Oregon Ducks - 58,502.
Are you fucking kidding me?
You want to know what one of my biggest problems with Virginia is? Their fans blow. I mean really, really blow. This is a fan base that wants to talk all sorts of shit before the season - about how the gap is closing between the two schools in football - and then by week six is silent because the Cavaliers suck, again. In the midst of Virginia Tech's worst season in 20 years last season, every home game still sold out. UVA couldn't even do that against one of the best teams in the country. That's one of the ultimate indictments of suck.
The hate has spread to the players, too. Here is what Logan Thomas had to say:
"On the field, I think the last nine years have kind of spoken for themselves," Thomas said. "I don't think anybody thinks anybody is better than anybody, but at times you kind of get the feeling that because their school is prestigious, I guess that they feel they're better than we are. But I think everybody knows who the better half is."
PREACH! What about you, Mr. Jack Tyler?
"I would never say that I wish anything negative upon anybody, but if there's one team in the country who'd be poor, it'd be U-Va."
I suggest watching this next video as you re-read this entire post.
God bless you, Colin Cowherd.
VTPhreak does brilliant work, don't you agree?
It may be old, but it's still hilarious. By the way, since that video was made, UVA still hasn't beaten Virginia Tech!
BACK TO WORK
Mike London is a joke. I don't need to say it, but I will. Everyone already knows Mike London is a joke. However, it's definitely worth emphasizing. Again. And again. And again.
Hell - let's talk about last year. Last year, UVA had a chance to beat the Hokies. However, Mike London swiftly ended that chance by not understanding the concepts of clock management. London let Frank Beamer run the clock out in the fourth quarter and kick the game-winning field goal. London had timeouts left to burn. This is UVA's head coach? Actually, that sounds about right. They really do deserve each other.
You want to know how much of a joke Mike London is? On UVA's (remember - this is the "public Ivy League" we're talking about here) official recruiting letter, there are some pretty egregious fuck-ups.
For your enjoyment:
Where to begin on this steaming pile of Hoo-poo?
Let's start with the typo in the second sentence!
"[...] I want to formerly extend a scholarship offer to you."
For those that are missing the problem:
For-mer-ley, adverb: in the past; in earlier times
I believe the word you're looking for is "formally," Mike. What a load of irony this letter is! So much for the prestigious UVA, eh?
But let's dig deeper, shall we? Let's move toward the end of this hilarious letter.
"Virginia football has a winning tradition."
L-O-Freaking-L! Since when, Mike?
"We want you to help us continue to win conference championships and an opportunity to play for a National Championship!"
Continue to win conference championships? That implies that UVA has won a conference championship in the ACC before. UVA has barely had winning seasons in the ACC, let alone a conference championship! This might be the peak of hilarity. What type of delusion is Mike London under? Has he not watching UVA football for the past - oh, I don't know - decade?
But you know something - I want Mike London to stick around at UVA. Not because I like the guy - he's obviously a clown - but because he poses NO THREAT to Virginia Tech. Now, now - calm your powdered-wig wearing asses, Wahoo fans - I know it's your annual tradition to spout off how you're taking back the Commonwealth of Virginia. Personally, I find that adorable. I think it's great that you aspire to overtake your better half. However, it's important to take a dose of reality (and Zima) every once in awhile.
Mike London hasn't beaten Virginia Tech. Mike London has been outscored by Virginia Tech 92-21 in his three years at Virginia. Mike London had a higher recruiting ranking than Virginia Tech during his first season, but after that has been behind Virginia Tech in the rankings. Mike London has focused his attention almost solely on the "757" area of Virginia, but has neglected most of the rest of the state, which Virginia Tech has taken advantage of.
Speaking of which - Steve Fairchild, Virginia's offensive coordinator, said UVA should never lose a recruit to Virginia Tech having visited both campuses. Guess what, Steve? You do lose recruits to Virginia Tech. Quite a bit of them, in fact. You know what else you lose? Games. You lose a lot of those, too. Not only is Mike London drinking the Hoolade, but it appears he has his assistants drinking it, too?
The funny thing about Steve Fairchild is that he used to be the head coach at Colorado State University. He said the exact same shit about Colorado when he was out west. You want to know how that worked out for him? He was 16-33 as a head coach. Actually, that's about on par for UVA's program. Good hire, Wahoos.
Anyway - I think that's about all of the hate I can muster up. Now here are some words from our staff and HokieNation!
AND NOW SOME WORDS FROM CHICAGOMAROON
I grew up in a place where there aren't many UVA fans...it's a state known as Virginia. And while in the Southwestern region of the state there are even fewer fans, those that do claim the fanhood...don't really let you know about it. So it's hard to get a feel for who is a Hoo and who is an intelligent being. Occasionally, those who were University of Virginia fans would wear a sweatshirt/hoody to school, making clear that they were the offspring of a doctor, lawyer or some other professional occupation, or were in the top third of our high school class and planned to attend the school which vandalizes its own facilities to get a rise out of the team. There is, of course, nothing wrong with this (the doctor and lawyer part, not the vandalizing. That's just stupid and shitty), except for what it turns them into as adults.
From my experience, even those UVA students or alums whom I have cordial relations with exhibit a special brand of smug post-UVA. The new guard wine and cheese crowd used to be okay with us members of the beer and whatever we can find to eat (I'm lactose intolerant you insensitive bastards!) post-grad Hokies, but not anymore, or at least there is a coldness in our relationships that was not there before. And why? Well, I certainly couldn't care less if you chose to go to a different school. To each their own. I promise, when it comes down to it, that I DO NOT hold your school's football pedigree against you when deciding if you're cool enough to hang out with. Even if you wear a ridiculous giddup befitting of an 18th century British colonial, I would let you drink with me. It would be weird, and I would think you to be a historic impersonator like those chaps in Williamsburg that stick to their character no matter HOW FUCKING HARD you try to get them to break, or one of those strange time-traveling forefathers from Jon Benjamin has a van, but the drunker I get, the less likely I am to care. The thing is, I'm not the one making this call. You saw me in blue jeans and a t-shirt and found me disinteresting. No matter that I am a world traveler, an adventurous eater (my favorite dish is Escargot), a musician (DRUMS DO SO COUNT!), a scholar soon to be twice over and a pretty kickass Jeopardy player (which will ultimately lead to me dominating the show a la Ken Jennings some day). You're the girl from Strutter and I'm Paul Stanley. I don't choose to be a dick to you, you choose to use your smug to discount me before giving me a chance (something about a book and a cover...can't place it as of now). That's why, in return, I reject your kind. I reject your smug. I reject your "party school" moniker, inevitably written by a hoard of virgins who have never seen a party. I reject your plagiarizing TV anchor and your silly attire, and as a result of these occurrences, I reject your sports teams.
Of course, as we all know, they do themselves no favors. They are very make-funnable-of as it is. But the fact that, as Ty said, some of the more disillusioned members of your fan base get otherworldly cocky before the beginning of the season is annoying as it is amusing. It's like being in on a secret and knowing how something will end, but not being able to tell the other person. All you can say is bless his soul. Those UVA fans make Colin Cowherd, an otherwise blathering idiot and blowhard incapable of original thought, seem on point with his comments about the UVA fan base and football team. And that truly saddens me, as I hate to side with know-nothings who are loud and obnoxious for ratings' sake. But he does have a point: you do it to yourselves. The more smug you are, the more we are dicks. I'll leave you with a quote from the classic film Team America: World Police.
We're dicks (VT)! We're reckless, arrogant, stupid dicks. And the Film Actors Guild (UVA) are pussies. Kim Jong Il (WVU) is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes. Assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate. And it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves. Because pussies are a inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy crazy world, but I do know this. If you don't let us fuck this asshole we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit.
AND NOW A BRIEF STATEMENT FROM CASEY RICHEY
The hatred literally began at birth for me. I was born in the UVA hospital and immediately showed my displeasure by urinating on the doctor. I wriggled free and ran west on 64 and south on 81 to Blacksburg. When my parents found me, I was a man. A man that only knew the maroon and orange. It wasn't until later I learned that blue was a color or that people drank wine coolers at tailgates. I was told by a Virginia fan that the school was founded by Thomas Jefferson. Then I was told again. And again. And Again. And Again. And 100 more times for good measure. And I was also told how they have a great football tradition, but the only evidence of such that I could find was losing. Losing's a tradition, right?
So in conclusion, Virginia Tech fans: Fuck UVA, go Hokies.
Tell us what Hate Week means to you (or what you hate about UVA) in the comments section below. As the Sith Lord once said, "Good, good - late the hate flow through you."