clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Forget About Uniforms...Let's Talk Hats!

The Hat Is A Statement Beyond Weather Protection

My hairline and I had a mutual breakup around twenty years ago.  We both agreed it was leaving.  I was always jealous of the hats coaches wore on the sideline, because you couldn't possibly pull that look off in normal society.  I couldn't exactly go to a vendor meeting wearing a houndstooth hat now could I?  The giant sun protecting hat some coaches prefer would look pathetic at the P.T.A. meeting.  My ultimate dream hat would be a visor.  The visor says many things about a man, and more importantly a coach.

When you think visor, you probably think about Steve "The HEAD ball coach" Spurrier. He made the visor so cool other coaches adopted it to try and poach some coolness. This look doesn't work on a balding guy. There is way too much space from where the top ends and the hair begins. The circle the band makes only highlights the bald spot. It is not a good look. Man, what I wouldn't give to be able to rock a Spurrier visor.

Dell cut me deep.  The obvious solution to my challenge is a cap.  Les Miles is straight rubbing life in my face.  Les has a great head of hair.  He is way older than me.  He makes way more money than me.  Les Miles is giving me the ultimate finger by saying, "I know my hair looks great, it's thick and luxurious.  I'm going to hide it all with the whitest straightest hat imaginable because I can."  Hell, the guy has two nicknames: The mad HATTER, or simply THE HAT.

God you make me mad, you beautiful man. Last on the list is the for lack of a better term, "Landscaper's Hat." You have seen this all around your town and didn't realize it. The coaches usually bust this out in spring camp, and almost always in fall camp. The message is simple: I am outside and it is very hot. I am pruning weeds and grading the secondary. This one cracks me up because the guys wearing them haven't pushed a lawn mower in 30 years. This look also fails to impress in my day to day.

Again, damn you Nick Saban. Here you have some glorious man hair and you hide it surely out of ease. If I had good hair it would be so pampered. My good hair would go to private school. It wouldn't be burdened unnecessarily out of convenience. There would be products applied to it, and I would coach the crap out of my hair. My hair would be a 4* (Rivals) and would most assuredly not do the hat dance at signing day.